Lesson One Introduction

Lesson Two How Addiction

Affects the Family

Lesson Three The Bottle Family

Lesson Four Detachment

Lesson Five: The Bombshell Theory,

and The Serenity Prayer

Lesson Six The Daily Moral Inventory

D.M.I. Commentary

Lesson Seven Forgiveness

Lesson Eight Wholeness

Lesson Nine Reconciliation

Points For Discussion: For Questions

THE FAMILY RECOVERY PROCESS

A Workbook for Families Recovering from

Addiction and its Effects

Lesson One

Introduction

Addiction in whatever form is of epidemic proportion in America today. It affects nearly every man, woman and child in this country. The effect of addiction on the economy and the crime rate touches every family, without exception. Almost everyone knows and cares about someone who is addicted to something. .

The epidemic of alcoholism, drug addiction, sexual addiction, and __________ (everywhere you see a blank write down your addiction) which plagues our country has produced an avalanche of broken homes and dysfunctional families. Every addict significantly affects an average of four persons. This quadruples the actual effects of personal addiction. Every addict reflects the pain of his addiction into the lives of his parents, his spouse and his children. The numbers are outstanding! Few families have been exempt from this plague. Christian and non-Christian families alike are shattered by the effect of loved ones caught up in alcohol, drug, or sexual abuse. The plague of addiction, like a deadly virus, has invaded our schools, churches and homes, disrupting the life of every member of the family.

Living with an addict has the same effect on a family as living in the house with a live, un-caged rattlesnake! (It can be done, but not without trauma!) Every member of the family focuses on the sickest member (the addict), who exercises power to control the emotional, financial and spiritual climate of the whole family.

In a normal, healthy family, no one person is always center stage. Attention is given to the needs of each member. There is a healthy giving and receiving between spouses and children. This balance is sadly lacking in the family of the addict.

In this manual, we will look at addiction, what it does to the individual caught in its web, and its devastating effects upon the family. We will also learn about co-dependency, the resulting illness of the family members.

We will then examine a process by which many families have managed to recover from these effects. These people now lead healthier lives than the average person. They are now able to deal effectively with everyday problems and crises well enough to turn and help others. As you will find in this lesson, The Family Recovery Process, there is hope for the hurting. There is healing for the wounded casualties of this epidemic.

What Is Addiction?

Chemical dependency, sexual addiction, and __________ is a physical addiction to mood-altering agents. Physical addiction is coupled with mental compulsion. Chemical dependency includes all drugs and alcohol addictions. It is a problem that is incurable. It is progressive and fatal if left untreated. It is more complex than simply a lack of willpower to stop compulsive behavior.

Addiction involves the whole person: body, soul and spirit. It radically affects a person's relationship with God, with himself and with significant others. It lowers a person's self respect and reduces him to a level below that which he enjoyed before addiction. Alcoholics Anonymous describes addiction as "cunning, baffling and powerful."

Addiction also has certain describable characteristics common in all addicts. The abuse of alcohol, drugs, sex, or ___________ will produce these characteristics in each individual, regardless of age, class of society, religion, intelligence level or geographical location. These five common denominators are present in each individual who has an addiction problem.

I. Compulsive Abuse

In compulsive abuse the addict is able to determine when he will start using the addictive agent, but not able to determine when he will stop. This means the compulsive abuser has completely lost control of his use of his or her addiction. Once the addictive behavior begins and the feeling of euphoria (the high, or the buzz) begins to take effect, the addict loses his will power. He has an irresistible, irrational impulse to induce more of the mood-altering substance. This problem is repeated in spite of the obvious ill effects.

II. Denial And Projection

In addiction, as the body develops a physical dependency upon the behavior, there is another process going on at the same time: the contamination of the mind! The mind expresses this contamination through denial and projection. Mental contamination can be more serious than the physical addiction. It requires more treatment than just getting sober. If not treated properly, it will lead a sober addict back to compulsive abuse.

The thinking patterns of all human beings since Adam and Eve have been contaminated with denial and projection, but for the addict this “stinking thinking" is intensified. The addict becomes adept at the art of denying his problems, blaming everyone else and everything else for them.

Denial is a defense mechanism. It serves to defend the addict against his fears. Denial helps him avoid and suppress reality. It blinds him to the obvious problems caused by his compulsive abuse of his addiction. The addict who is in denial says, "I don't have a problem with addiction." He refuses to face the truth that will set him free. His attitude of denial may also say, "Well, maybe I do have a little problem, but it's not that bad, and I can handle it." This minimizing form of denial is similar to saying, "I am a little bit pregnant!"

When Adam sinned in the Garden of Eden (Genesis 3), for the first time, he experienced fear of God. He had done what God had told him not to do. Instead of walking with God and being

intimate with God, he hid himself behind a tree. For the first time, he experienced shame. He no longer felt secure and protected. He realized his nakedness and tried to cover himself. He didn't know how God would treat him, nor did he seem to want to know. Instead of looking for God to confess what he had done and to ask for help, he hid. He may have stayed hidden forever if God had not come looking for him. Addicted people and their families display behaviors similar to Adam.

Projection is the process used by the addict to unload his self-hatred onto others. Like denial, it is another defense mechanism, and it serves to defend him against whatever he fears. The addict's attitude of projection is blaming other people, places and things for the consequence of his own behavior. An addict may say, "Well, sure I drink a lot, but you would too, if you met my wife!" Projection allows the addict to blame his problems on everything else, never accepting responsibility for his own use of his addiction.

When God approached Adam about his obvious new attitude of hiding and covering his nakedness, He asked him why he had eaten the forbidden fruit. Adam quickly explained to God it was Eve (... "the woman You gave me, God"...) who gave him the fruit. Eve quickly made it clear to God that the serpent had tricked her. Adam, Eve, and the serpent, projected the responsibility for their actions outside themselves.

In the midst of his addiction, the addict hates to admit he is doing anything wrong, or that he even has a problem at all. With denial and projection working together full force, he goes through disaster after disaster. He never realizes he has a problem of addiction. When confronted with the facts of his problem and its effects upon himself and those around him, he blames God, his spouse, his boss, his parents, etc. In refusing to accept the responsibility for his own actions, he prolongs and intensifies the problem and the pains that accompany it.

III. Alienation From God

The addict loses all faith in God he may have had before his addiction began. He has become dependent upon the addiction for temporary relief and escape, or for false courage and confidence. All faith is transferred to the addiction.

Through self-centeredness and childish behavior, he has turned his back on God. He has become the "Number One Boss." He recognizes himself only, as the ultimate authority. In other words, he has become his own god.

As his addiction becomes progressively worse, morality and holiness are no longer important to him. He begins to lose his moral values. Double standards become the norm for him. He rationalizes, "If I do it, it must be right. If they do it to me, it's wrong!" There is a tremendous deterioration of his spiritual, moral and relational values.

IV. Isolation From True Self

In most incidents, life was not great for the addict before he began his addiction. Even before

his first use of his addiction, he had problems, such as low self-value, shame, guilt, fear and loneliness. In many cases, he reacted to the pain of his family life by isolating himself. He discovered that when he used his addiction, he felt some relief from his struggles. He felt good!

Unfortunately, this was a temporary relief. The more he abused his addiction, the more bizarre his behavior became. As his behavior deteriorated, he began to violate his own convictions and values. This caused him to hate the person he had become. Instead of providing him with continued relief, his addiction furthered his isolation by fueling his self-hatred.

Eventually, addiction led him to an all-out war to keep away from whom he really had become. Denial and projection served to convince him he was fine, and that everyone else was sick. He acquired a totally distorted view of his true self.

V. Alienation From Significant Others

"A man who isolates himself seeks his own desire; he rages against all wise judgment. (Proverbs 18:1) In the process of covering his true self with years of denial and projection, he has built walls of defenses around himself. These walls of defenses are much like the layers of an onionskin. This serves to protect him from everyone "out there," whom he views as his problem. No one is allowed in, and he comes out only when he wants something. His life-controlling problems have led to bizarre behaviors, which have caused broken relationships with his family and friends.

What began as a social activity ended up in anti-social behavior that has alienated him from his loved ones. His behavior has had a greater impact upon those who care about him than his chemically-fogged brain could realize. He alienated himself from them as he withdrew deeper into his onionskin, and excused himself from responsibility. In his eyes, they were the ones who acted crazy! Even if he was home every night, he pulled up his emotional drawbridge. He remained alone in the crowd of his closest family and friends. Those he loved and valued most became the ones he pushed farthest away.

Lesson One . . . Introduction

Personal And Group Exercise (see page 63)

1. Why is it unhealthy for every member of the family to focus upon the sickest member?

2. Why is addiction more than just a lack of willpower?

3. In what ways are denial and projection defense mechanisms?

4. How is the addicted person alienated from God?

5. How does the use of his addiction isolate the addict from who he truly is?

_____________________________________________________________________

6. How does the addicted person alienate himself from others?

Lesson Two

How Addiction Affects The Family

When mind-altering addiction control any member of a family, life for that family cannot be normal. Dependence upon addiction causes users to behave in ways that hurt the people with whom they are closest. It dominates their thoughts and their priorities. It occupies their time, their money, and their attention. It deteriorates their values and their behavior. These changes directly affect the family. The usual result is that the non-users develop emotional and physical problems. They struggle to adapt to the threatening ways of the addict.

Unless experienced first hand, it is almost impossible to imagine the pain suffered by the family members of the addict. Their lives become filled with anger, guilt, shame, hurt, fear and loneliness. They suffer rejection, abandonment, and all forms of abuse. They live with constant unpredictability. The family revolves around the addicted person who, in turn, revolves around addiction. On one hand, the addicted person cannot manage his own life. On the other hand, his problem has such a great effect upon his family that he controls the lives of the other family members.

Brief periods of sobriety or abstinence do little to lessen the tension. The family has learned not to rely upon the addict's promises. The sense that another fall is soon coming produces more pain. The family suffers from lack of trust.

The family also loses the ability to communicate in healthy ways. Each has learned by trial and error not to talk about his or her problems. Experience has shown that this only leads to family fights and more pain.

The family has also lost its ability to deal with emotions in healthy ways. As addiction has progressed, the family's feelings of tension and hopelessness have increased. Their love has become confounded by feelings of hatred. They eventually find themselves unable to separate the person from the problem. .

Addiction, especially in its later stages, is stressful for all members of the family. As addiction progresses in one member of the family, all other members experience negative emotions of their own. They may be reluctant to talk openly about their painful feelings. Nevertheless they experience them.

ANGER: Among family members, anger is often the byproduct of love and hate relationships. Family members love the addict. But they hate the painful experiences everyone goes through because of his addiction. Painful events evoke anger and resentment toward the addict. It becomes increasingly difficult to separate the addiction from the person.

SHAME: Because of the painful experiences, which result from the behavior of the dependent person, the family feels ashamed of him. As the situation in the family grows worse, shame also grows. Not only are the family members ashamed of the addict, they become ashamed of the entire family, themselves included. Shame, in turn, produces feelings of low self-worth in each member of the family.

GUILT: The family members begin to blame themselves and one another for their painful experiences. Each family member may secretly feel that he or she is responsible for the addiction. They tell themselves, "If only I could change, everything would be all right." Such self-blame produces more feelings of guilt and shame.

HURT: Emotional pain can be broad and deep. It is painful to see a loved one deteriorate as addiction progresses. It hurts to become involved in arguments, or to witness angry exchanges between other members of the family. Many times the dependent blames others for his alcohol or drug use. Messages, such as, "If you wouldn't nag, I wouldn't drink," or, "Do you want to know why I drink? Look in the mirror!" cause deep emotional hurt. They also deepen the feeling of guilt and shame. The addict is not interested in, or incapable of meeting the emotional needs of the rest of the family. This also results in hurt and woundedness.

FEAR: Living in a constantly shifting, distressed family produces fear. There is fear of arguments, fear of financial problems, fear about the dependent's usage, fear that the dependent will get drunk. Perhaps there is even fear that everything will remain the same. There is also fear of the future, fear of what will happen to the family if things continue to deteriorate. Fear becomes a dominating factor in the family's interactions. .

LONELINESS: Stressful family situations result in the breakdown of normal, rewarding family communication. Family love and concern are lost in the stress and crises of day-to-day living. Isolation is produced by the lack of healthy communication in the dependent family. This results in more loneliness for everyone.

REJECTION: The addict, in his later stages of addiction, develops a very strong relationship with the addiction. His whole focus on life becomes centered on the addiction. Other members of the family take a secondary position in the life of the addict. The addiction has become primary in his life. Family members conclude that their loved one loves the addiction more than he loves them. This leads to a deep feeling of rejection, which is often carried over to other relationships.

ABANDONMENT: The family members may be abandoned for days or weeks at a time, not knowing if the addict is dead or alive. The addict's binges can take him (and them) on a wild escapade with no notice. Not only does he abandon the family physically, he also abandons them emotionally and financially as well. This causes tremendous pain in the family members. It fuels the feelings of fear, anger, humiliation and hopelessness.

PHYSICAL ABUSE: In many families, physical abuse by the dependent person is commonplace. The family becomes terrified of the addict because of his brutality and his unpredictability. Physical abuse increases the strongholds of fear, hatred, and bitter-root judgments in the family members.

Lesson Two . . .How Addiction Affects The Family

Personal And Group Exercise (see page 64)

1. In what ways does addiction affect the whole family of an addicted person?

2. Identify the pains felt by the family of the addict.

3. Why is the family unable to trust the promises of the addict?

4. Why is it so difficult for the family to separate the problem from the person?

5. What are some of the fears experienced by the family of the addict?

6. Why does the family ultimately feel rejected?

Lesson Three

The Bottle Family

Roles of the Dysfunctional Family

Members in families naturally take on different roles. When an argument occurs, the family needs a peacemaker. When illness strikes, the family needs someone to provide care. When a family member excels, the family can have a healthy pride.

In a healthy family unit these roles are flexible. One day you may be the source of family pride. The next day your brother or sister may be the one getting attention. The roles change as they need to do so and are appropriate to the situation. In dysfunctional homes the roles become fixed and rigid. The dysfunctional family organizes itself around some problem. The problem shapes the family living, while family members deny that the problem exists.

Elephants and problems

This problem is like living with an elephant in the living room. Everyone in the house denies that the elephant exists. They do this even as they seek to avoid its swinging trunk and battering torso. People feel they must do something to take their minds off their problems. The rigid roles serve just that. Birth order (the order in which children are born into a family) does not always determine these roles but sometimes can be a factor. Below I have described these roles for you. As you read these, many of you will identify the fact that you have played more than one role. For example when the first child leaves home, the scapegoat sometimes becomes the family’s hero.

A Portrait of a Dysfunctional Family

Addiction whether alcoholism, drug dependence, sexual addiction, or ___________ usually starts with one person, but eventually involves every member of the family.

To help us understand the problem of addiction and its effects upon the family, we will observe a typical dysfunctional family whom we know as, "The Bottle Family." As we meet each member of this family, we will see specific examples of the problems of addiction and co-dependency. We will begin with the addicted member. In this case, he is the head of the household.

"Wino Willie"

(The Addict)

We jokingly call Willie a "wino," although approximately only 3%-5% of alcoholics ever disintegrate to skid row lifestyles. Most addicts continue to hold jobs and maintain family relationships. At this point of our observation, Willie's family is still holding together.

Willie's family and job are intact, but he has specific problems common to all addicted people. However, he does not admit, even to himself, to having these problems. Nevertheless, they are destructive to Willie, to Willie's family, and to Willie's society. Many others are able to see Willie's problems long before Willie can see them.

Willie's addiction problem did not happen overnight. He did not plan to become an addict. He progressed, however, through fairly predictable patterns all addicts pass through. Willie began to use socially, for pleasure. Slowly, he began to depend upon his addiction to control his moods. Eventually, however, he has reached the point of using to obtain numbness. Willie's addiction has progressed to the point that even on his best day it no longer makes him feel good. This is frustrating to Willie, but he feels too horrible to consider life without his addiction.

This progressive entrapment has taken over Willie's life. He uses his addiction compulsively now, even though they don't help. In his mind, he denies he has a problem. To him, everything and everyone else is the cause of all his problems. His is a classic case of denial and projection. Every addict is characterized by denial and projection.

It is dangerous to be around Willie if you want to confront him with the truth of his addiction problem. It is like trying to live with a rattlesnake, because you never know when he might rise up and strike. Willie isolates himself from God. He hides from his true self. He alienates himself from every significant person in his life. Willie thinks everything is under control. Unfortunately, everything is under the control of the addiction.

When Willie gets "high,” he leaves his family "low” by his withdrawal from reality. It doesn't matter what kind of addiction Willie uses or how much he uses. It doesn't even matter how often he uses. The reason we can tell that Willie is now an addict, is by the effect it has on his family.

Addiction is evident when use affects the normal existence of the whole family. There is a sense, when we enter Willie's home that everyone revolves around Willie. Their thoughts are, "Is he using?" "Is he in a good or a bad mood?" "Will he explode any minute?" "Is there anything we did wrong, or have forgotten to do, that Willie said we had better do right?"

When Willie boasts, "I'm not hurting anyone but myself," he does not know what is going on around him. Should he dare to open his eyes, he would see a suffering family. Unfortunately, that would add to the huge burden of guilt from which he already hides. Willie copes with guilt by blaming others and getting high. This doesn't really work, and he knows it. He fears he could not survive an honest look at the truth, so he keeps his head turned away. It is unreasonable to expect Willie to look unless someone or something forces him to look.

Wilhelmina

(The Co-Dependent Spouse)

Wilhelmina is the typical co-dependent wife. She has been a very loving and faithful wife throughout her marriage to Willie. She has stuck by him through thick and thin. She has always believed she could help Willie overcome his addiction problem. But it has not worked out as Wilhelmina hoped it would.

As Willie became addicted, Wilhelmina became addicted to Willie. We call her addiction co-dependency. Willie's behavior affects Wilhelmina, and she has become obsessed with trying to control him. Her life is absorbed in reacting to Willie's bizarre behavior. She sees Willie's behavior as the main problem in their relationship.

There is always a primary co-dependent in each dependent's life. The primary co-dependent usually will not let go of the dependent, even when other members of the family let go. The primary co-dependent is the most obsessed with controlling the behavior of the addict. In Willie’s family, as in most dependent families, the wife is the primary co-dependent.

To the best of her ability, Wilhelmina protects shields and rescues Willie from the consequences of his behavior. She bails him out of jail for driving under the influence, then hides the facts from her children and parents. She calls the boss on Monday morning to report that Willie has the flu (again) and is unable to go to work. Willie may become incapable of holding a job. He may spend the family money on his addiction. If so, Wilhelmina will work two jobs to support the family.

Wilhelmina is the best and the worst friend Willie has in his diminishing sphere of friends. Every time Willie "sows his wild oats," Wilhelmina reaps the harvest. Willie is unable to hit bottom because Wilhelmina is always there, ready to cushion his fall. Willie needs to suffer, but Wilhelmina won't let him. She unwittingly "loves him to death."

Because of her willingness to work hard, Wilhelmina, like all co-dependents, makes it possible for the addict to function. In other words, Willie cannot continue to function as an addict very long without the continued controlling behavior of Wilhelmina. In her efforts to help Willie quit using, she actually enables Willie to continue. Enabling means her actions enable Willie to act the way he does. If she were to quit bailing him out of jail and making excuses for him, he would have to face the consequences of his addiction. This could mean he would not be able to continue his addiction.

In the absence of tough love, Willie becomes sicker. In the meantime, Wilhelmina falls into self-destructive patterns of living. She becomes obsessed with rescuing her spouse from his increasing series of mishaps. As a result, she totally neglects herself and the other members of the family.

The Siblings

As mentioned earlier, every family member is affected by the addiction. The children of the addict are affected by both parents, the addict and the co-dependent. Neither parent functions properly in the midst of this disease. The children observe both patterns of dysfunction and tend to imitate both. They naturally desire the approval, affection, attention and care of both parents. This is a God-given desire. The family was designed for the nurture and training of children to adulthood. However, in a home with addiction, the emotional and other developmental needs of the children are not met. This results in what is called para-dependency.

Each child will react to this lack in his or her own way. There are patterns they tend to fall into. These patterns can be identified at a very early age, and can continue throughout life if not properly dealt with. The children may also drift from one pattern to another, testing to see which pattern of behavior works better. Now let's meet the children of Willie and Wilhelmina....

Daryl

(The Hero)

The Hero. The first born child often assumes the role of the responsible one, or hero. Heroes often excel in sports and/or academics. Their achievement takes the focus off the family’s problem. Heroes may make sure that younger siblings are cared for and arrive at school and home from school. In this care giving role heroes become like surrogate parents-people who take on some of the same roles as parents. Heroes are little adults –old before their time-who never get to be children.

Daryl, the hero, is a shining star in this dysfunctional family. People wonder that such a marvelous child could come from such a sorry family! Daryl even wonders why God put him there. In almost every dysfunctional family there is one child who takes over the duties of the parent. Daryl, the hero, takes up the slack. He has accepted responsibility for making his family as normal as possible.

Daryl prepares meals for his younger brothers and sisters. He worries about family finances. Sometimes, he plays the role of counselor, settling disputes between his parents, and trying to repair broken relationships. Sometimes he plays the role of the enabler. He brings the alcoholic parent home from bars, cleans up after him when he is sick, and pours out his liquor supply.

At school, Daryl is usually an over-achiever. He makes above-average grades and excels in athletics. He works hard. He accomplishes difficult goals and wins the approval of his teachers and other authority figures. Hard work, self-discipline and strong drive for success push him into positions of leadership in the church and community. He is admired for making good in spite of his bad home life.

Daryl appears to be self-confident and capable, but he is inwardly victimized by childhood wounds. These wounds keep him from intimate relationships with his family and friends. He covers the gaps of emotional development by meeting other challenges. He is very responsible, working hard to care for others. His work holism feeds the fire of his low self-value. Daryl may become a minister or a doctor or a civic leader. He is driven to care for others because he needs to be needed. This gives him a temporary sense of self-worth, but it is an unhealthy motivation that could produce disastrous results. Daryl feels strong when he is caring for others, but very weak when others care for him. Because of this, he resists receiving the help he so desperately needs.

Bubba

(The Scapegoat)

The Scapegoat. This is the child who gets blamed for the family’s problems. A 13-year-old boy was told that he was to blame because his father was an alcoholic. Finding the role of hero already filled, scapegoats seek attention by acting out, running away, or getting into trouble. All children crave attention. In a dysfunctional home, attention is in short supply. Addicted parents use all their energies to deal with the addiction. Co-dependent spouses are addicted to their addict, with all their energies spent on trying to control and cover up for him or her. Very little attention is left over for children. The hero receives attention from the teachers or coaches who are surrogate parents. The scapegoat gets attention by getting into trouble. The attention may be negative, but it’s better than nothing.

Bubba senses he cannot live up to Daryl's accomplishments, so he doesn't try. Instead, Bubba goes to the opposite extreme. His attitude is that rules are made to be broken. Bubba is always in trouble. He rebels against authority at home, at school and everywhere else. He is in trouble so often, he becomes the family scapegoat, drawing attention away from Willie. Willie doesn't look so bad when he stands next to Bubba. Bubba gets the blame for all the family problems. He accepts the false identity, because negative attention is better than no attention.

Since drugs and alcohol are a common focus in teenage rebellion, Bubba is likely to experiment with them at a very early age. He is also likely to spend at least a part of his adolescence in detention or treatment centers. He finds a sense of 'family' within his peer group, which is often a group his parents think, is causing his troubles. He doesn't have the approval of his parents, but it is easy to gain approval from his buddies. He is very likely to end up as another Willie.

Bubba enters adulthood with a chip on his shoulder and an instinct for making poor decisions. Although physically adult, he remains a child emotionally and mentally. He will have a difficult time making a marriage successful.

Sissy

(The Lost Child)

The Lost Child. The lost child deals with the elephant in the living room by denying that it exists and by staying very quiet. The term lost child describes this situation well because these children are the ones no one notices. They never make waves. They never do anything to draw attention to themselves. They are masters at being chameleon and blending into the surroundings. What makes the lost child’s situation even more tragic is that observers may think that the family’s chaos does not affect these children when in fact it affects them greatly.

When Sissy was young, her playmates were dolls. She was quiet, shy and withdrawn. She never caused any problems. She disliked the family fights and stayed in her room most of the time. She pleased her parents in this way, as they were relieved to have a child who gave them no problems.

Sissy is now a teenager. With a desperate need to be loved, she has looked to the opposite sex. As a result, instead of playing with dolls, Sissy is expecting a real, live baby. Although she is totally unprepared to care for this child, she finds a certain amount of comfort in being needed.

Most Sissy’s marry young and end up as co-dependents themselves. They are filled with insecurities, stress-related illnesses and sexual problems. They become emotionally fragile, and are treated that way.

Sissy's baby often grows up taking care of Mommy. Sissy is apt to have several more children early in life. Her family learns not to expect her to be emotionally strong. They will not reject her because they don't think she can handle rejection. Sissy finds a false sense of security in being weak and needy, because no one treats her roughly.

Jerry

(The Mascot)

The Mascot: This is the child who seeks to relieve the tension in a stress-filled family by telling jokes, making funny facial expressions, or doing humorous antics that relieve the tension some way. Mascots are the children who major on feelings. The trouble is that they major on fixing other people’s feelings. They are masters at using comedy to relieve a tense situation. A mascot becomes an adult who is the life of the party but who is out of touch with his or her own feelings.

Like the clown with the painted smile, Jerry hides his pain and frustration by making a joke out of life. In this family, the unspoken rule is, "Don't talk about real problems." With no outlet for his pain and frustration, Jerry has learned that humor can defuse anger and divert family fights. This is not the humor which springs from a healthy heart. Jerry uses humor as a tool to manipulate people and to avoid conflict.

Jerry makes fun of others. He knows a million jokes. He is the life of the classroom, entertaining all his friends. Even his teacher finds it hard to discipline him because he is so cute and funny.

Lacking healthy role models during childhood, Jerry reaches adolescence unprepared to deal with problems. As an adult, Jerry will lack problem-solving skills, and his commitments in life will probably be no more than lip service.

Martha

(Care Taker)

Usually the oldest, takes care of the whole family if Sissy has a child she will take care of child, always trying to get dads acceptance, if Wilma works Martha will fill her role, she grew up quick, mom normally takes her hurt to Martha and talks about Willie, usually never dates or has children, hates asking for help, lesbian tendency, usually will be a nurse.

Charles/Camille

(Chameleon)

Can manipulate badly- seems trustworthy, but will stab you in the back, becomes all things to all people, sells dope and goes to church on Sunday, will tell staff what they want to hear and will change with each person, resent with a passion any close relationships, very vindictive, starts division, will pretend to get close, but has hidden agenda, will flip the script and hurt someone in a second, loves to tattle tell to Willie about other members in the family, always wiring them up, social path, rage.

Buster Billie

(Rage)

Adopted a lot of the times, always expressing anger and rage on a person, places, and things, violent, no different then Bubba, very rebellious, likes fighting, hurting people, could kill someone very easily, very dangerous, usually abusive to spouse and children, independent, eat up with pride, adrenaline freak, always attempting crazy things.

* * * * * * *

Everybody’s Role: Common elements exist for all the roles just mentioned. In these roles people try to escape pain, gain self-worth, and avoid reality. Everybody in the system strives to maintain some stability. The only order they know is the way things are. Each role serves to deny the existence of the elephant in the living room. Each allows the elephant to remain untroubled.

Every member of Willie's family has been deeply affected by his addiction. Each has become co-dependent, to some degree. Every family member has suffered loss in relationship with other members. This has left the family with a feeling of not being connected to one another in a loving, nurturing way.

Consequently, every member has attempted to find love, acceptance and significance, which they desire and need, in some other way. Some have turned to addiction, others have turned to work. Some have established other relationships in hopes of being reconnected to a place of acceptance and significance in their lives.

We can see very plainly that Willie is not the only sick person in this family. He may be the only one with an addiction problem, but the entire family is seriously affected by it.

Because of this, to try to help Willie overcome his addiction without having the rest of the family seek help is somewhat like fixing one flat tire on an automobile that has four flat tires.

Every member of a family in which there is an addicted person, needs help. Each must stop the dysfunctional, co-dependent pattern in his life. They all need to learn new, healthy and nurturing ways of relating to one another within the family.

Lesson Three . . . The Bottle Family

Personal And Group Exercise (see page 65)

1. What is a sure way to determine that Willie has become an addict?

2. Why is Wilhelmina the best and the worst friend Willie has?

3. How does Daryl compensate for his feeling of low self-value?

4. What is Bubba's driving force?

5. Why is Sissy so fragile emotionally?

6. What is Jerry's humor really covering up?

The Recovery Process

In the next section, we will learn how these problems can be addressed. We will learn the process by which we recover from this tremendous adversity. Each member of the family can work the same simple process. The Family Recovery process can be learned at an early age. Additionally, in the process of recovery, each member will find the love, attention, nurture and training he or she needs to live a whole, healthy life in the family of God.

The Family Recovery Process Includes six simple terms:

1. DETACHMENT: “For in Him we live and move and exist, as even some of your own poets have said, ‘For we also are off-spring”. (Acts 17: 28)

2. BOMBSHELL / SERENITY PRAYER: “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, shall guard your hearts and you minds in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 4: 6, 7)

3. SELF-EXAMINATION / DAILY MORAL INVENTORY Search me O God, and know my heart; try me and know my anxious thoughts; and see if there be any hurtful way in me, and lead me in the everlasting way.” (Psalm 139: 23, 24)

4. FORGIVENSS: “And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.” (Ephesians 4: 32)

5. WHOLENESS: “Now may the God pf peace sanctify you entirely; and may your spirit and soul and body be preserved complete, without blame at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.” (1 Thess 5: 23)

6. RECONCILIATION: “For if while we were enemies, we were reconciled to God through the death of His son, much more, having been reconciled, we shall be saved by His life.” (Romans 5: 10)

We will take a close look at what each of these terms means, and how we can begin to apply them to our specific problems, right now.

Lesson Four

Detachment

"For in Him we live and move and exist, as even some of your own poets have said, 'For we also are His offspring.’ ” (Acts 17:28)

For many whose lives have become shackled to the life of a addicted person, the skill of detachment can mean a new life. Detachment means living a life not centered on the addiction of another person.

Any family living with addiction needs to learn detachment, even though the skill comes neither easily nor quickly. Detachment is an essential ingredient for happiness and serenity. Detachment restores people to healthy thinking. It frees them to become responsible for themselves, instead of for the addict. They become able to respond to their own needs.

Detachment helps us learn we must work on our own problems. Blaming others for our unhappiness is unrealistic and useless. It also helps us see that we are responsible for our own behavior only, and that the most helpful thing we can do for the addict is to put our own lives back in order.

Detachment can be the hardest step in the family recovery process for the co-dependent. It may also be the most misunderstood. Detachment does not mean we abandon or divorce the addict. It does not mean we give up on him. It means we give him up to God. The Bible teaches us that it is in God that we live and move and have our being (existence). In co-dependency, we live and move and have our being in someone other than God.

When we relate to another person as a co-dependent, constantly attached to that person, we place that person between us and God. In this fashion, we avoid God, and this is idolatry! Christians are free to serve others, but we are to do so in ways that edify them and enrich them. We are not to enslave nor to control them. Also, we must not serve in ways that destroy ourselves. If we are to learn the skill of detachment, the following steps will help us. We must discern where our responsibilities with our loved ones end, and where our responsibilities to God begin.

1. WE MUST FACE OUR OWN LIMITATIONS.

Eventually, we must acknowledge our own helplessness in relating to our loved one. We must realize we have reached the limits of our human love and wisdom. Ready to acknowledge our need to let God take over, we recognize we are limited in being able to help the addict. Our only alternative is to give him to God.

At this point we can face the reality that we did not cause his addiction, we cannot cure him, and we cannot control him. Until we realize and accept the fact that we are limited in what we can do, we are obsessed with trying to change, fix, and control our loved one. Acknowledging our limitations will enable us to move out of the way and let God deal with him.

2. WE MUST ACKNOWLEDGE GOD'S OWNERSHIP.

When we fail to acknowledge God's ownership of our loved one, we will see ourselves as the rightful owner, and we will try to change and control him. We must come to the realization that the person we love so much is a creation of God, is loved by God, and belongs to God. The addict does not belong to us. We may have a position of care and responsibility toward him, but he really belongs to God. He is God's responsibility. At this point, we are ready to acknowledge God's ownership and to give our loved one over to Him.

3. WE MUST LET GO OF OUR EXPECTATIONS.

Co-dependents go far beyond the normal, healthy boundaries of love and compassion to try to help the addict. Because of their attempts to help, they expect the addict to change his ways. This type thinking sets up co-dependents to fail. The addict does not change, and their expectations fall short. This can cause deep roots of bitterness, anger, and even hatred in the co-dependent.

There may have been many things we hoped would be fulfilled by the person we love, but we have seen those hopes disappear because of their addiction. Detachment requires us to surrender our expectations. We must come to realize God will still bring fulfillment to our lives, even though it may not be in our timing, nor in the way we had planned.

4. WE MUST ALLOW OTHERS TO FACE THE CONSEQUENCES OF THEIR ACTIONS.

Allowing our loved one to face the consequence of his own actions can be the most difficult part of detachment. He will experience pain and discomfort in the process. However, the consequences of the addict's actions bring him to the realization that he has a problem and that he needs help.

If we do not allow the addict to face the full force of the consequences of his actions, we enable him to continue to use without significant cost. Some of the more common forms of enabling are bailing the addict out of jail, covering his bad checks, making excuses or lying for him, or giving him money to pay his bills.

When we do not allow the consequences of the addict's choices to affect him, we inhibit his ability to learn from his mistakes. What he learns instead is that he can do whatever he wants with no harm done. These enabling behaviors are obviously harmful to the addict and his family.

It requires tough love to allow the addict to take responsibility for his own choices. The love that prompts us to let the addict face the consequences of his actions is much stronger and more mature than the love that only wants to ease his pain.

5. WE MUST GIVE UP EFFQRTS TO CONTROL CIRCUMSTANCES.

If there was one word to describe co-dependency, it would probably be control. The co-dependent attempts in every way imaginable to control circumstances and situations to prevent the loved one from partaking in their addictive behaviors. A co-dependent person is a person who has let another person's behavior affect him, and is obsessed with controlling that person's behavior. Some families of addicts have even set up their own home treatment program. They have tried to cure the addict themselves.

Co-dependents need to identify specific ways in which they have tried to control the addict and his surrounding circumstances. In those specific areas, they can then begin to practice a fundamental truth. God can work out the loved one's situation better than anything the co-dependent is capable of coming up with.

To release control of the addict, the co-dependent must release control of his own circumstances as well. Allowing the addict to face the consequences of his actions may require facing a monthly mortgage payment without the addict's income. It may mean the necessity of taking on a second job while the addict enters a treatment program, or goes to jail. Many painful circumstances may have to be faced, and those circumstances can be frightening. The co-dependent will need to exercise faith in God to get through the negative circumstances.

The Fruit Of Detachment

Practicing detachment is often difficult. We may have to struggle to change our responses and reactions to the addict and his actions. As we learn to let go of the addict and let God begin to work, we will notice changes in our thinking. There will be the peace of knowing that God is in control of our lives. This, in turn, brings security and freedom.

SECURITY.

True detachment tests the foundation upon which our lives are based. Jesus taught about the need to set our affections on things above, but most of us will admit our affections are mostly earthbound.

We care deeply about our families, our friends and our jobs. These are legitimate concerns. When God tells us He wants us to love Him above all others, He isn't implying we should be careful not to love others too much. However, He does want our ultimate commitment and our ultimate security to be in Him.

The world we live in is unstable, and the people we care most about are not unshakable pillars. Security in God is not an option. It is a total necessity if our lives are to be founded upon something solid. Our security has been based too much upon something or someone shakable. Detachment can help loosen our hold on that shakable thing and place our grasp back on the Eternal and the Unshakable.

FREEDOM.

When we release our loved one to God's care, we free ourselves from the emotional roller coaster type existence. Our moods are no longer dependent upon the actions of our loved one. It isn't that we are totally unaffected by his actions, but they do not control us.

The major benefit of detachment is that our minds and our hearts are free to focus upon our relationship with God. We can consider our own personal needs and our relationships with other people. When we are wrapped up so tightly with one individual, we neglect other relationships and responsibilities.

We also become free from a sense of guilt and responsibility for the addict's choices and actions. Detachment gives us the freedom to love that person in a more relaxed, non-possessive way. This also allows him to choose God for himself, free from the pressure of our expectations.

Lesson Four . . . Detachment

Personal And Group Exercise (see page 66)

1. What three limitations must we acknowledge to begin to detach from the addict?

2. Why is it important for us to acknowledge God's ownership of our loved one?

3. Why should we let go of our expectations?

4. In addiction, what is it that most always brings the addict to realize he actually does have a problem?

5. What is the fundamental truth every co-dependent must learn about controlling the addict?

7. In what ways does detachment bring security and freedom to the co-dependent?

Lesson Five

The Bombshell Theory

and

The Serenity Prayer

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, shall guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:6,7)

"I cannot change another person by direct action.

I can only change myself, by God's grace.

Others have a tendency to change in reaction to my change."

We call the second step of the Family Recovery Process, "The Bombshell." Once you begin to work out this simple theory in your life, its effectiveness will "blow your mind!"

As family members, we have been consumed with trying to fix or change the addict. All our mental energy has been placed on the addict, the sickest member of the family. We hope to cure him of his addiction problem. As co-dependents, we spend more time and energy trying to change our loved one than we spend taking care of ourselves.

When the Bombshell Theory sinks in, our familiar thought patterns are challenged. As we seriously apply the truths in the Bombshell Theory to our own lives, we immediately begin to experience a healthier and more intimate relationship with God. This produces a less stressful relationship with the addict. Here are the basic concepts of the Bombshell Theory:

1. I CANNOT CHANGE ANOTHER PERSON BY DIRECT ACTION.

If we will pause to look back and measure the time, energy and resources we have spent trying to change the addict, we will have to admit what we have done has not worked.

We have spent many hours, exhausted our resources and drained our mental energy, hoping to change the lifestyle of our loved one. Not only did our best efforts fail to change him, it also made us sick. Our focus has been on the addict, not on ourselves. The emotional, spiritual and physical aspects of our lives have suffered greatly.

When we realize we can neither change nor control someone else by direct action, we take our first step out of co-dependency.

2. I CAN ONLY CHANGE MYSELF, BY GOD'S GRACE.

When we finally come to the conclusion that we can't change the addict, we are free to work on ourselves, the one person we can change.

We need to take our minds off the addict's problems and examine our own responsibilities. We are responsible for our reactions to the addict. In the past, we were not even aware of our reactions, we were concerned only with the addict's actions.

When our focus in life switches from the addict to ourselves, we begin to see the character defects within ourselves, which God wants to deal with. At this point, we can begin to admit our own problems and, through prayer, ask God to help us overcome them.

3. OTHERS HAVE A TENDENCY TO CHANGE IN REACTION TO MY CHANGE.

Over the years the reactions of the co-dependent have become as predictable as the actions of the addict. The reaction of the co-dependent in the past was to try to rescue the addict or to clean up his messes, to avoid the shame and embarrassment of the family. The co-dependent wife has treated the addict as a child, rather than as a husband.

When the co-dependent makes some positive, healthy changes in her own life, her reactions to the addict will also change. She will respond to the addict differently than her old patterns of reaction. She will begin to let the addict be responsible for himself. That means he will have to clean up his own messes and face his own problems.

This new response, in which the addict is allowed to face the reality of his condition, is absolutely necessary for the recovery of both the addict and his family.

Without the continuous enabling of the co-dependent, the addict finds himself in a unique situation. He has no one to take care of him. He has no one to clean up his messes, or to blame for his problems. Almost all addicted people must experience this before they will seek help.

The Serenity Prayer

"God, grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and the wisdom to know the difference. "

Old thought patterns and behavior patterns are entrenched in the lifestyle of the co-dependent. It is very difficult to practice the skill of detachment and to apply the Bombshell Theory to their lives on a daily basis.

The old reactions of control do not die easily. The feelings of guilt and responsibility can surface at any time. The co-dependent may be tempted again to play god to fix a negative situation. At such a time, the co-dependent must apply the Serenity Prayer to her life. We will examine each aspect of this well known prayer to discover how it can help us.

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.” As she sees her loved one slowly deteriorating under the weight of addiction, the co-dependent must rely upon her relationship with God to avoid insanity or nervous breakdown. When we ask God for serenity, we are asking for the peace of God that passes all understanding. Only God can give the inner peace that will enable us to accept the things that are happening in our family. Only God can enable us to recognize that these things are beyond our control, but they are not beyond His.

Our ability to accept these things we cannot change does not come from our own human strength. It comes from God's gift of serenity He has given us. This gift of peace will allow us to accept and to overcome any trial in our lives. Our reliance upon God is the major step in our recovery process.

"The courage to change the things I can.” In the typical addiction filled home, everybody is trying to change everybody else. This aspect of the Serenity Prayer forces us to focus on the things for which we are responsible and, with God's help, to make the necessary change.

At the top of the list, we find ourselves. We naturally fear any change, but we especially fear changing ourselves. As we seek God, however, He will reveal certain changes we need to make to move out of our co-dependent lifestyle. These are positive changes in our attitudes, our motives, and our actions. When we make those changes, they will bring health, security and freedom into our lives and the lives of the rest of our family.

To begin to work at making the necessary changes, we must ask God for the courage to step out in faith, and to trust Him with our own lives as well as the lives of our families.

The co-dependent wife has functioned for many years convinced she must continue to care for the addict. In meeting his every demand, she was fulfilling her duties as a good wife. She also reasoned that if she did not take responsibility for him and see to his every need, he might die. This type of dysfunctional fear and false responsibility has ingrained itself in the co-dependent. The question in her mind is, "If I change, what will happen to him?" This is where the co-dependent needs courage and strength to begin her new lifestyle.

It is God who gives us the courage to change the things we can. We look to God for the courage to take these new steps in our lives. As we begin this process, we slowly come to the realization that God is faithful. He will not ask us to do something He is not willing to help us with.

"And the wisdom to know the difference.” God's Word tells us, in James 1:5; "But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all men generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him."

We need to continually ask God to give us wisdom to discern what we can change (what we are responsible for), and what we cannot. This will determine whether we will continue in our dysfunctional co-dependency patterns, or move into a healthy recovery process.

We must understand the boundaries between helping the addict, and enabling him. There is no visible line between helping and enabling. That makes it hard to define what our response should be. This is why we need God's wisdom. Understanding the distinction between what can or cannot be changed, can make the difference between life and death for the addict and his family.

Lesson Five . . . The Bombshell Theory, And The Serenity Prayer

Personal And Group Exercise (see page 67)

1. What happens to the co-dependent when she tries to change the addict by direct action?

2. What happens within the co-dependent when her focus on life switches from the addict to herself?

3. What happens to the addict when the co-dependent begins to change?

4. Why is reliance upon God the major step in the recovery process of the co-dependent?

5. Why does the co-dependent need courage and strength to begin her new lifestyle?

6. Why does the co-dependent need God's wisdom?

Lesson Six

The Daily Moral Inventory

"Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me and know my anxious thoughts; and see if there be any hurtful way in me, and lead me in the everlasting way." (Psalm 139:23,24)

The third step in the Family Recovery Process is the Daily Moral Inventory. The DMI is a tool that helps us identify certain attitudes we have expressed through our actions and reactions during the previous day.

It works as a mirror that helps us get in touch with our own soul. If we work it honestly, it will give us valuable insights about the attitudes that motivate our behavior. Working a DMI on our own attitudes and actions is not easy because it is an unnatural practice.

We have been accustomed to taking the inventory of everyone else, especially the addict in our family. This has blinded us to our own bad attitudes and our sinful reactions.

In the addicted family it is commonplace for each member to see the problems in the other family members, because we are constantly examining one another. Each person in a dysfunctional family points his finger at someone else as the cause of the problems.

Each person has become an expert on taking a Daily Moral Inventory. Unfortunately, the inventory is that of the other family members, rather than themselves. If we will be honest, we will admit we spend very little time monitoring our own individual attitudes, actions and reactions. We give God virtually no opportunity to search our own hearts.

Each member of the addicted family has, to some degree, developed the same defense mechanisms as the addict. He has denied, projected and rationalized his own problems by putting the blame on the other members of the family, especially his wife.

If we were to ask the addict the simple question, "What is your problem?" he would probably respond by telling us how much his wife nags him, how bad his children behave, how demanding his boss is, and how this country is in total chaos.

But the one thing you will never hear from him is what his problem really is. He is completely out of touch with his own attitudes and bizarre behavior. He is totally oblivious to the tremendous spiritual and emotional problems within him. Denial and projection enable him to minimize the relational deterioration taking place within the family.

He is blind to his own attitude and behavior, but very much aware of the character defects in the other family members. He is also quick to point out these problems to the other members, and to blame them for the pain caused by his own dysfunctional lifestyle.

In the meantime, the other family members adapt certain reactions to the constant denial, projection, rationalization and justification of the addict. Their co-dependent reactions can be more damaging to the family members themselves, than the actions of the addict. The family members may begin to deny, project and rationalize just as the addict, or they may react with anger, hate or retaliation. The co-dependent may also suffer pain of a different kind, such as shame, guilt, fear, self-pity and hopelessness.

Co-dependents tend to copy the same defensive behavior patterns as the addict. They focus on all his character defects and bizarre behavior and neglect their own bad attitudes, emotional wounds and sinful reactions.

This type of dysfunctional living is common in almost all addicted families. It is known as the "blame game." In the "blame game," each member blames other members for the hurt and pain inflicted on the family. For the family to begin its recovery, the members must take their focus off the actions of the addict, and begin to look at their own reactions.

It is impossible to live in a home where there is an addicted person and not be affected. But it is very possible, with God's help, to live in an addicted home and not be controlled by it. The Daily Moral Inventory is an effective tool that will help us accomplish this.

For the dysfunctional family to experience any degree of healing or restoration, each member must allow God to help him with his own attitudes and problems. To recognize these character defects in ourselves, we must first present ourselves to God and ask Him to reveal them to us. We are unable to examine ourselves effectively, so the first step is to become still before God and ask Him to search our hearts. We call that our Quiet Time.

Quiet Time

"I urge you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies a living and holy sacrifice, acceptable to God, which is your spiritual service of worship.” (Romans 12:1)

If we are going to allow God to search our hearts and reveal to us our character defects, we must present ourselves to Him. This is why we need a quiet time. We should set aside a certain time each day, preferably in the morning, for meditation and prayer.

To make this time most meaningful we need to find a quiet, secluded place where we can be completely alone. Jesus often withdrew from the crowds to be alone with the Father. We too, if we want to grow into His likeness, must spend time alone with God. We need to select a place

that will become our "prayer closet" where we can shut out the world for a time of communion with Him.

This quiet time is to be our own personal time with God. It needs to become a part of our daily schedule. We must present ourselves to God if we are to have any relationship with Him. It is during our quiet time that we carefully pray over each attitude on our D.M.I. and ask the Lord to show us which of these attitudes caused us a problem the previous day.

HOW TO TAKE A DAILY MORAL INVENTORY

It is a simple process to take our D.M.I. We do not inventory our life history on the D.M.I. We simply review the last 24 hours and record our negative and positive attitudes.

We prayerfully review the activities of the last 24 hours. We think about the day's work, the relationships, and anything troubling our minds. We look beyond the offense of the problems "caused" by other people to see what attitudes we expressed in our response to their behavior.

Then we look at the D.M.I. sheet. On the left side, we see a list of 15 negative attitudes. On the right side, we see a list of 15 corresponding positive attitudes. Along the top, we see numbers for days 1 through 31. In the center, a graph of boxes is ready to fill in.

Beginning with day 1, we move our finger down the list of attitudes, one at a time. We stop at each pair of attitudes and ask ourselves (and the Lord in us), "Did I have the attitude of self-pity (example), or the attitude of serenity (example) yesterday?" If we had self-pity, we put an X in (or blacken) the corresponding box.

If we did not have self-pity, but instead we released the Holy Spirit and manifested the fruit of the Spirit (see explanation under the section on prayer), serenity, we thankfully place a CHECK in the corresponding box.

We then move down the list to the next pair of attitudes and ask ourselves the corresponding question. There is a commentary with definitions for each attitude at the end of this section.

After completing the D.M.I., we go to the Lord in prayer. We ask Him to help us with our character defects and we thank Him for our positive attitudes.

PRAYER - THE INNER JOURNEY

After years of experience in prayer with wounded and recovering persons, we have prepared a suggested method for communing with God in our inner man. This is not the only way to commune with God, there are different depths to our communion with God at different times in our lives; even at different times of day. However, the following method has helped many people come into an intimate, attentive fellowship with God, the Father, Son and Holy Spirit.

1. Close your eyes. This creates immediate privacy, and places you in your personal "prayer closet."

2. Focus your attention on moving toward the temple of the Holy Spirit in your heart. If you have accepted Jesus Christ as your Savior, He lives in your heart by His Holy Spirit."..Jesus stood and cried out, saying, ' If anyone thirst, let him come to Me and drink. He who believes in Me, as the scripture has said, out of his heart will flow rivers of living water.' But this He spoke concerning the Spirit, whom those believing in Him would receive.." (John 7:37,38)

3. Look and see (if you can) the Lord on the throne of your heart. God created vision within the eyes of our hearts. Jesus said, "A little while longer and the world will see Me no more, but you will see Me. Because I live, you will live also. At that day you will know that I am in My Father, and you in Me, and I in you." (John 14:19, 20)

A study of the Old Testament prophets will reveal that their form of prayer involved using the eyes of their hearts regularly. This form of visualization is not to be confused with the counterfeit that the world is using to make things happen by visualization. This is not a visualization using our own mental will power. It is a revelation to us of the spiritual realm, which we are given when we admit we are blind and ask Jesus for His salve so we can see (Revelation 3:18). If you cannot see right away, do not despair. You are communing with God by faith. After some time, He should become more clear.

4. Recognize Jesus as your High Priest. As you look upon the Lord, it is evident that He is much more than you used to think He was. He is, as the book of Hebrews describes Him, able to understand your weaknesses. "For we do not have a High Priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but was in all points tempted as we are, yet without sin, let us therefore, come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in the time of need." (Hebrews 4:14-16)

5. Therefore, come boldly to the throne and sit in front of Him - or in His lap! The Bible says that since we are God's children, we are also heirs, "...heirs of God and joint heirs with Christ..." (Romans 8:17). We can therefore come before God with all the rights of sons and daughters of the most high King of Kings! This assures us that He will never reject us from His presence. He welcomes us, and loves to be our God. He is greatly pleased that we are His people. It is His desire for eternity. "And I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away...Behold the tabernacle of God is with men, and He will dwell with them, and they shall be His people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. " (Revelation 21:1 and 3)

6. Recognize and release the song of praise and worship that your spirit sings. This is evident throughout the scriptures. We do not have to manufacture praise. It is already in our spirit, even when our emotions are down. It is generated by the Holy Spirit. "Make a joyful shout to the Lord, all you lands! Serve the Lord with gladness; come before His presence with singing. Know that the Lord, He is God; it is He who has made us and not we ourselves; we are His people and the sheep of His pasture. Enter into His gates with thanksgiving, and into His courts with praise. Be thankful to Him and bless His name. For the Lord is good; His mercy is everlasting, and His truth endures to all generations." (Psalm 100)

7. Confess the attitudes of your DMI to the Lord, and ask Him two things:

a) "Do You forgive me?"

b) "Will You cleanse me?"

The simple act of asking is all we need to do. There is no need for punishment to gain forgiveness or cleansing. (See 1 John 1:9)

8. Listen to His reply. Many people ask and ask, and never listen to His answer. He will impress His answer upon your heart. Just as God has given us eyes of our heart, He also gives us "ears to hear" (Matthew 11:15). His voice, according to the Word of God, is not loud and stormy. It is still and small (1 Kings 19:11,12).

9. Ask Him to release His Holy Spirit into every area of your life. Give Him permission to live through you today. The releasing of the Holy Spirit is a simple, yet miraculous phenomenon. Releasing the Holy Spirit is the key to overcoming our life-controlling problems. It is by the Spirit that we put to death the deeds of the body (Romans 8:13). The power and nature of the Holy Spirit released in us is able to overcome our flesh nature, as we allow Him. God is a gentleman, He will not barge in and take what we do not give Him.

JOURNALING

It is important to write down the impressions God gives us in our time of prayer. This is partly because it may mean more to us later than it does now. God often speaks to our true needs rather than to the questions that burn in our minds. He looks beyond our desire to understand everything, and speaks to a need we don't realize we have. The words He speaks to our hearts begin to work in our minds. Soon we realize what He was conveying, and we are comforted.

Our journal becomes a written record of our personal journey with God. We can refer to it when we find ourselves struggling with our faith. We can refer to it when we forget what He said. We can refer to it to learn more in retrospect than we could at the time we received it.

We can also refer to it when we need input from the Body of Christ and the Bible to test the "Rhema Word" we have received. This will help us fine-tune our hearing, and teach us how to distinguish between the voice of the Lord, our own thoughts and Satan's suggestions.

We begin our journaling by dating each entry. This is important for many reasons. As we look back over our journals, we will be glad to know when the entries were made. As we implement this system, it will help us hold ourselves accountable to journal daily.

We use our journals to record the impressions we hear from God. This includes descriptive narrative of any visions He may give us. We are as specific as possible when recording these impressions. We try to differentiate between what we have received from God, and how we think and feel about it.

We also use our journals to record any personal insights we have gleaned from our quiet time. God is concerned with our recovery. He is more interested in revealing information that applies to our personal character development than information about others.

SUMMARY

We have examined in detail each aspect of our quiet time. We are now ready to begin our daily journey. We will likely enjoy this time so much that we will make it part of our lifestyle.

On the pages following the Personal and Group Exercise, we have provided detailed explanations, along with scripture verses, of each attitude listed on the D.M.I.

Lesson Six . . . The Daily Moral Inventory

Personal And Group Exercise (see page 68)

1. If we work a D.M.I. honestly, what can we expect to gain from it?

2. Why should every member of the family take a Daily Moral Inventory?

3. Why is a quiet time so important to us?

4. In doing our personal D.M.I., what specifically should we look for?

5. Why is it important for us to release the Holy Spirit in our lives?

6. What does a personal journal accomplish in our lives?

D.M.I. COMMENTARY

Listed below are the negative and positive attitudes as they are shown on your Daily Moral Inventory, along with brief descriptions of each. At the end of each positive attitude description you will find a scripture reference to reinforce that particular attitude.

1. SELF-PITY.

Sulking, being moody and silent, using physical means to transmit feelings. A strong sense of not being liked. Feeling sorry for myself. My self-talk consists of statements, such as, "Everybody hates me. Nobody loves me or understands me. I am all alone in the middle of my terrible situation!"

SERENITY.

Having full assurance, in faith, of my personal security and significance, I live in the peace of the Holy Spirit. The peace of God rules in my heart, regardless of my circumstances. I am able to shift the center of my interest from myself to my concern for the needs of those around me. I can love others with the love of Christ.

"And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body; and be thankful." (Colossians 3:15)

2. CONTROLLING.

I feel a need to control the people and circumstances around me so that everything will be all right. I am afraid of what might happen to the addict if I don't try to fix him or take care of him. Although it is not my intention, I find myself playing God.

TRUSTING GOD.

I take my hands off the situations in my life and allow God to deal with the circumstances and the people involved. I let Him do the directing, knowing that He is sovereign.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight." (Proverbs 3:5,6)

3. ENABLING.

Shielding the addict from the consequences of his actions. In trying to protect him from any discomfort, I am making it easier for him to use.

DETACHMENT.

Letting go of the addict, emotionally. Allowing him to face the consequences of his actions. Not giving up on someone, but giving someone up, to God. This lets me take the focus off the addict and put it on myself, where it will do the most good.

"And why do you look at the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye, ' and behold, the log is in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye. “ (Matthew 7:3-5)

4 RESENTMENT.

Having a feeling of bitterness that forms a mental chain that binds me to the person or thing I hate. I feel my resentment is justified because of what has happened to me.

FORGIVENESS.

To pardon, or to give up resentment when someone has wronged me. I give up my right to get even.

"For if you forgive men for their transgressions, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions." (Matthew 6:14,15)

5. PROJECTION.

A defense mechanism that excuses me from any responsibility for a problem by blaming others for being the source of the problem.

ACCEPTING RESPONSIBILITY.

Being accountable for both my attitudes and my actions. Not allowing myself to be a victim of circumstances, environment, or the behavior of other people.

"But when he came to his senses, he said, 'How many of my father's hired men have more than enough bread, but I am dying here with hunger! I will get up and go to my father, and will say to him, "Father, I have sinned against heaven, and in your sight; I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me as one of your hired men." (Luke 15: 17-19)

6. SELF-RIGHTEOUSNESS.

Excusing myself of any wrong behavior or attitude, while condemning others for the very same thing. I become puffed up because of my ability to be right. Being right becomes a fetish with me.

HUMILITY.

I accept my limitations and personal defects without trying to justify them.

"Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind let each of you regard one another as more important than himself." (Philippians 2:3)

7. DENIAL.

The oppression of reality. Many co-dependents, like the addicts, are blind to their own problems. Denial impairs my judgment and my insight. It results in self-delusions that keep me locked into an increasing pattern of destruction. The co-dependent can also be in denial about the problem of the addict. I can be guilty of this by minimizing the addict's use.

ADMITTANCE.

To confess or acknowledge the truth of something. To get healthy, the co-dependent must face the problem of the addict. I must also face the problem I have because of my actions and reactions to the addict. This is the first step in my recovery process.

"If we say that we have no sin, we are deceiving ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say that we have not sinned, we make Him a liar, and His Word is not in us." (1 John 1:8-10)

8. SELF-CONDEMNATION.

Revealing a low self-image by succumbing to false guilt. Declaring myself unfit or unworthy of God's grace. Many co-dependents suffer from self-condemnation. They believe they are the cause, and they accept the blame for the addiction of their loved one.

SELF-VALUATION.

Realizing who I am as God's child. Through my relationship with God I am able to define my responsibilities and my value as a person, according to God, not according to the addict.

"But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. " (Romans 5:8)

9. LYING.

Not being truthful or trustworthy. This is a common character defect in the addict and the co-dependent. The co-dependent may lie to cover the mistakes of the addict, so she does not have to feel more shame and humiliation.

HONESTY.

Being truthful, open and frank. Genuine admission of addictive and co-dependency problems is the first step toward healing.

Therefore, laying aside falsehood, speak truth, each one of you, with his neighbor, for we are members of one another." (Ephesians 4:25)

10. SHAMEFUL.

The feeling of disgrace, dishonor or humiliation because of the bizarre and outrageous behavior of the addict. These feelings make me want to hide the chemical addiction problem and isolate myself from others. I try to avoid these feelings because they make me feel as if I am an unworthy failure. I am ashamed not only of the addict, but of the entire family.

WHOLENESS.

Realizing and accepting that I am a precious, valued child of God. I am free to be all that I can be in Him because of His love. This is in spite of what others have told me or done to me. I am cleansed and healed through His righteousness. He loves and accepts me just as I am, and I see myself as a unique, un-duplicated miracle of God.

"If then you have been raised up with Christ, keep seeking the things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your mind on the things above, not on the things that are on the earth. For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is our life, is revealed, then you also will be revealed with Him in glory." (Colossians 3:1-4)

11. FALSE GUILT.

Blaming ourselves or other family members for the painful experiences caused by the addict. I feel that somehow I am responsible for the addiction. I feel if only I could change, everything would be all right. This self-blame produces more feelings of shame and guilt.

GOD'S WISDOM.

I must learn to discern what is my responsibility and what is not. I need to continually ask God to give me wisdom to see the difference between what is my fault and what is the fault of the addict. Having this wisdom and knowing the difference between the two will determine whether I will continue in my dysfunctional co-dependency patterns or move into a healthy recovery process.

"But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all men generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him.” (James 1:5)

12. RETALIATING.

To return injury for injury. This type of communication is common in the chemically addicted family. Because of the hurt and pain in the co-dependent, her relationship with the addict is one of reaction. Her attitude and actions are angry. Her motivation is to hurt the addict as much as she has been hurt.

RESPONDING.

Because of God's love for me, I am able to respond to the addict rather than react. I maintain control of my emotions and actions because His serenity is within me. This helps me sustain a level state, rather than experience a continual emotional roller coaster. I can then remain emotionally stable, free to grow into maturity.

"And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. “ (Ephesians 4:30-32)

13. BEING PHONY.

Trying to impress others by saying everything is fine and wonderful. Members of the chemically dependent family often give positive false impressions of the family situation to avoid shame, embarrassment and humiliation.

BEING REAL.

I do not worry about what others think of me. I am honest and open about my own personal feelings and the family situation. I am transparent.

"In view of this, I also do my best to maintain always a blameless conscience both before God and before men." (Acts 24:16)

14. FEAR OF REJECTION.

Being fearful that others will not love nor like me because of what I do or who I am. Because of my fear of not being good enough, I either try too hard to make people like me or I reject others before they have an opportunity to reject me. I long for intimacy and acceptance but I am afraid to allow anyone close enough to achieve that goal.

GOD'S ACCEPTANCE.

Knowing that God accepts me and loves me just the wav I am, warts and all. This gives me the freedom to become all I can be and do in Christ. It also equips me to love others and to allow others to love me.

"For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 8:38, 39)

15. FORGETTING GOD.

Going through the day without acknowledging God or committing myself to Him. Failure to have a quiet time. Not allowing God to have access to my problems, but instead leaning upon my own understanding. This practice makes me self-centered, seeing myself as having the solutions to the family problems.

COMMUNION WITH GOD.

Committing myself to a daily relationship with God. Seeking His guidance and wisdom for my daily life. Being ever-mindful of His presence in me. Allowing Him to give me direction and insight. Centering upon God instead of myself.

"Behold, I stand at the door and knock; if anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with Me. " (Revelation 3:20)

Lesson Seven

Forgiveness

"And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you." (Ephesians 4:32)

The forgiveness process is necessary if the dysfunctional family is to experience healthy restoration. Deep emotional wounds have been inflicted upon every member of the family by the addict and his bizarre behavior. These wounds will not heal themselves with the passage of time, nor will they disappear if the addict enters a treatment program.

If the addict does overcome his addiction and begins a new lifestyle, he will certainly discontinue his emotional abuse of the family. The injuries from the past, however, must be faced and healed.

The healing of our past emotional wounds can be accomplished only by God, and His method of healing us from these hurts and pains is through forgiveness.

Forgiveness is the spiritual ointment God uses to soothe our emotional wounds. It brings restoration in all our relationships. It begins with God, extends to others, and finally touches ourselves. The Bible is clear that forgiveness is the key relational issue.

"Then Peter came and said to Him, 'Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times?' Jesus said to him, 'I do not say to you up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.’ For this reason the kingdom of heaven may be compared to a certain king who wished to settle accounts with his slaves. And when he had begun to settle them, there was brought to him one who owed him ten thousand talents. But since he did not have the means to repay, his lord commanded him to be sold, along with his wife and children and all that he had, and repayment be made.

The slave therefore falling down, prostrated himself before him, saying, 'Have patience with me, and I will repay you everything.' And the lord of that slave felt compassion and released him and forgave him the debt.

But that slave went out and found one of his fellow slaves who owed him a hundred denarii; and he seized him and began to choke him, saying, 'Pay back what you owe.' So his fellow slave fell down and began to entreat him, saying, 'Have patience with me and I will repay you.' He was unwilling however, but went and threw him in prison until he should pay back what was owed. So when his fellow slaves saw what had happened, they were deeply grieved and came and reported to their lord all that had happened.

Then summoning him, his lord said to him, 'You wicked slave; I forgave you all that debt because you entreated me. Should you not also have had mercy on your fellow slave, even as I had mercy on you?' And his lord, moved with anger, handed him over to the torturers until he should repay all that was owed him.

So shall My heavenly Father also do to you, if each of you does not forgive his brother from your heart." (Matthew 18:21-35)

We can see from the scripture, spoken by Jesus Christ, our Lord, that forgiveness is not an option if we intend to follow the Christian faith.

"And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone; so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your transgressions. But if you do not forgive, neither will your Father who is in heaven forgive your transgressions. “ (Mark 11:25,26)

God has placed a condition before us. To be forgiven, we must forgive. Jesus is telling us God is unable to forgive us unless we forgive others. It is a principle He has established. That means the responsibility lies with us whether or not we receive forgiveness from God. God is a loving God, He is a holy God, but He is also a just God. In order for Him to forgive us, we have to forgive others. That is the condition He has established.

Possibly, one of the reasons we don't forgive is that we don't understand what forgiveness is. We may have incorrect concepts about forgiveness. However, one thing is certain, if we are unwilling to forgive people, we will not progress spiritually, nor will we experience healing.

WHAT FORGIVENESS IS NOT:

1. Overlooking the wrong done to us. We like to believe if we will overlook a wrong done to us it will go away. In reality, it does not. Overlooking is not forgiveness; it is a form of repression or denial. Some of us may have been hurt by the words or actions of those with who we were in relationship, and we may have tried to overlook those incidents. The truth is they have had a great effect upon our lives. Deep within us they have caused problems. If there is pain inside, there is a problem inside.

2. Excusing or whitewashing the wrong done to us. When we try to make excuses or to water down something that has been done to us, we are trying to tell ourselves it really wasn't as bad as it seemed at the time. This is justifying or rationalizing, but it is not forgiveness.

3. Psychoanalyzing a person's nature to explain why he did the wrong to us. It is important for us to understand exactly what has happened, but understanding and forgiveness are two different things. While Jesus was on the cross, He said, "Forgive them for they know not what they do." Knowing what has motivated a person to behave the way he has may help us forgive that person, but knowing is not the same as forgiving. We can know about a person, and we can even know why he behaved the way he did, but still not forgive him.

Understanding a person's behavior doesn't mean we have forgiven him. Sin is moral stupidity. It is unexplainable. The Apostle Paul said, "The things I do I do not understand." So we are not to base our forgiveness upon understanding. That means we don't have to understand in order to forgive.

One of the big problems with recovery groups is that they spend much valuable time trying to analyze what happened in their childhood. What they really need is to be willing to forgive. Some people spend years in such a group trying to figure out why their parents did the things they did. But even if they get a clear picture of the reasons, there is no provision for forgiveness.

The key is to look at our own attitude. It is possible for us to say, "I understand why my husband acted the way he did. I understand where he was coming from, but I just can't forgive him," If we are unwilling to get beyond our feelings and make a decision to forgive, we will never place ourselves in the position to receive God's healing in our lives. We may finally understand the reason for a person's behavior, but if we don't have the will to forgive, there will be no forgiveness for either party.

4. Taking the blame for the wrong done to us. This happens often in child abuse. Taking the blame is not the same as forgiving. It is proper for us to take the blame for our reaction to the experience. But if we were physically or mentally or sexually abused as a child, it was not our fault. If we take the blame for it, that is not forgiveness. Many who have been sexually abused have the blame imposed upon them. Young girls are told it was their fault, that they had a part in it. If they are convinced it was their fault and they take the blame, that is still not forgiveness.

All the above reactions are improper attitudes that reflect internal problems and misunderstandings. We short circuit what God wants to accomplish in us if we attempt to substitute any of these attitudes for forgiveness.

WHAT FORGIVENESS IS.

1. Facing the specific wrong done to us. We can neither excuse it nor rationalize it. We have to be honest. Listed below are six words. Taking each word independently, close your eyes and picture in your mind specific events related to them.

a) Rejection. Picture events in which you may have felt the need for love and acceptance, but it was withheld from you. You wanted attention, but you were ignored.

b) Neglect. A typical example of neglect in an alcoholic family is when the parents spend money on liquor instead of purchasing food and other essentials.

c) Injustice or unfairness. This is when the punishment doesn’t fit the crime. You may never have known when you were going to be either hugged or slugged. It also may have been difficult for you to figure out what brought on the different reactions.

d) Cruelty or brutality. This could have been either physical or verbal. Verbal cruelty always identified you with your actions. For example, you were not told you did something stupid, you were told you were stupid because of what you did.

e) Betrayal. Adultery is an example of betrayal in a family. Adultery is the betrayal of the love and trust of one for another. The pain of betrayal is felt not only by the spouse who has been betrayed, it is also felt by the children in the family.

f) Abandonment. When a child is abandoned by his parents, the trauma produces deep roots of painful rejection. When a loved one leaves a home without good reason, the abandoned spouse and children suffer greatly. Broken homes register as abandonment in the minds of children.

Were you able to get in touch with some specific events? This is an important exercise, because the first thing we have to do is to face the specific wrongs that have been done to us. We must deal with these things specifically, not in generalities. The Holy Spirit works in specifics. Another title for the Holy Spirit is the Spirit of Truth. It is very important for us to face the truth in those areas of our lives in which we have been hurt.

2. Facing the pain, hurt, etc., not dismissing it by some cliché or saying. We don't dismiss hurts and wounds with some all-purpose Christian quotation. We can quote victorious sounding scripture, but that doesn't get rid of anything. We need to be careful about trying to sound bold and full of faith, just because it is the Christian thing to do.

3. Facing and identifying our reaction to the wrong done to us. Our reaction to our mistreatment may have been a violent lifestyle. We may have been filled with anger and hatred. We may have even committed murder, if not actually, then in our hearts. Our intense reactions may have led us far from God. It is important for us to take an honest look at our reactions, how God feels about them, and what we should do about them.

4. Facing the cross. "And be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you." (Ephesians 4:32) The cross is the point at which forgiveness became possible. No human being has the ability to forgive another human being except for what happened at the cross. We cannot forgive without God's help, and without our understanding of what took place at the cross. But the choice is ours. We don't have to forgive anybody, God is not going to force us to forgive. Even though He has commanded us to forgive, forgiveness is still our free choice.

There are two parts to forgiveness, the human part, and the Divine part; our part, and God's part. We can't do God's part, and He will not do our part. The human part is the crisis of the will. "Am I willing? Do I will to forgive somebody?" That is our decision. If we do not "will" to forgive, forgiveness will never take place. But we must understand, if we are unwilling to forgive, God will not do our part.

God's part is to change our feelings. We are responsible for submitting our will to God, regardless of how we feel. We are not to go by our feelings. God will change our feelings after we have made our decision to forgive. As we step out in obedience, God will change us. If we refuse to forgive, that means we are reserving the right to get even; therefore, we are cutting off God's forgiveness.

We should also understand that when we are unwilling to forgive, we bind ourselves to the person we refuse to forgive. Forgiveness sets us free. If there is someone we are unwilling to forgive, our unforgiveness becomes a hook that binds us to that person. If we are willing to forgive God will remove the hook. What God wants from us is a submissive will.

MIND = our thoughts; WILL = our decisions; EMOTIONS = our feelings.

Our natural tendency is to use the following process in our lives: 1. We think; 2. We feel; 3. We act. Our emotional feelings are seldom correct; nevertheless, our tendency is to process everything through this method. First, something negative or hurtful comes to mind; Second, we react by feeling anger or hatred or resentment; Third, we make a decision to act based upon our negative feelings. Many people get drunk simply because they are angry. They act, based upon, their feelings.

But we don't have to follow this process. The crisis of the will is to make the proper decision, regardless of how we feel. Some mornings, when the alarm goes off, we feel like staying in bed, but we make the decision to get up. We ignore how we feel. After we get up and have a swallow or two of coffee, our feelings change. To accomplish this, we have had to decide to go against how we feel.

That is what we are facing where forgiveness is concerned. We have to short circuit our emotions and put them aside. We understand that the Word of God tells us we are to forgive. Even though we may be hurt or angry, nowhere in the Word does it say we are to forgive if we feel like forgiving. Forgiveness has nothing to do with our emotions, because forgiveness is not an emotional thing. The Lord is not concerned about our emotions; He simply wants us to submit our will to His will. He wants us to forgive, regardless of how we feel.

Our attitude should be, “Lord, I don’t feel like forgiving, but I submit my will to Your Word. I am willing to forgive.” That is the human part, that is the crisis of our will. When we take the attitude that we will no longer move on the basis of how we feel, that is our decision to obey God’s Word. Our emotions will then begin to harmonize with our decisions. God will take over and change our feelings. Our responsibility is to submit our wills to the will of God. God will then change our feelings.

Honesty is vital in the forgiveness process. We must be honest in looking at the wrongs done to us, our reactions to them, and our inability to forgive without God's help. Once we have done this, we are then able to see the need we have to forgive those who have hurt us, whether it was intentional or not.

It is at this point that we find ourselves at a crossroads. If we die to our feelings, submit our wills to God and allow Him to work the forgiveness in our lives, we are on our way to a deeper, growing relationship with Him and those around us. If we do not, we will find ourselves even more bitter, angry, and chained to the past and to those who have wronged us.

Forgiveness is a choice of the will. It will set us free to experience all the joy and fullness that God desires for our lives, and it will lead us into health and wholeness.

Lesson Seven . . . Forgiveness

Personal And Group Exercise (see page 69)

1. In what way does the responsibility lie with us as to whether or not we receive forgiveness from God?

2. Why is understanding the reason a person hurt us by his actions, not the same as forgiving that person?

3. Why is it important for us to get in touch with the specific wrongs done to us?

4. What is the human part in the area of forgiveness?

5. What is the Divine part in the area of forgiveness?

6. Why is it important for us to short circuit our emotions where forgiveness is concerned?

Lesson Eight

Wholeness

"Now may the God of peace Himself sanctify you entirely; and may your spirit and soul and body be preserved complete, without blame at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ." (1 Thessalonians 5:23)

Once the family of the addict has followed the Family Recovery Process from detachment through forgiveness, it is time for wholeness to begin to develop. The term, whole, has many meanings. It means, "in sound health; healed of a wound; a complete organization of integrated parts in unity, etc." In the Bible, the word, salvation, is sometimes better translated as wholeness. For our purposes, wholeness means we are not just detaching and working our program. We are also learning, on an ever deepening level, that we are truly loved and accepted by God in Christ Jesus.

Wholeness is a vital part of recovery. Without it, the family continues to function as a wounded entity. It remains divided, unable to operate as a healthy, nurturing family. Only as we learn to trust God individually and to receive His love for us are we able to really love others in our family.

How does a family who used to be the exact opposite of "whole" change so radically? It does not happen overnight. And it does not come by attempting to place a Band-Aid over such a major wound. Becoming whole is a process that the Holy Spirit produces in our lives as we cooperate with His work, deep in our hearts and minds.

Before we entered recovery, we were deeply wounded. Some of our wounds were from the effects of addiction upon our families. Some were from damaging forces that occurred in our childhood. We may have felt ashamed of ourselves and of our families. Perhaps we felt unworthy of being loved or truly accepted by anyone. Many of us felt as if we had gone too far; that we had done so much wrong we couldn't possibly be forgiven. We may even have believed our lives were not worth living. We had no real purpose other than to survive.

With these negative attitudes, it became difficult to continue to function. We felt inadequate to meet the demands of daily life. The result was that we reached a point of emptiness. The nagging loneliness and sense of worthlessness became overwhelming.

These feelings, which we usually kept hidden, made it difficult to relate intimately to (or to really love) others. Since we felt so empty and inadequate inside, we looked to others for approval, to tell us we were acceptable and lovable. Our sense of self-worth became dependent upon the opinion of others. We came to believe we had to perform for them to receive their love. But no matter how hard we may have tried, or how well we performed, the feelings of love or approval (our sense of worth) never lasted long. We soon felt empty again.

Some of us stopped trying to perform for others, and sank to a state of helplessness. Of course, this was also a silent cry for love and acceptance. We wanted desperately for someone to see our need. This dependency upon the approval of others is a dysfunction that renders us incapable of really loving others. If we told someone we loved them, we really meant we wanted to be loved by them. Such action generated extreme self-centeredness. We learned to use and to manipulate other members of our family in order to feel good about ourselves.

Wholeness addresses this dysfunction. It is only in Christ that we are loved unconditionally, all the time. He accepts and forgives us without condemnation. It is God who gives our lives purpose and direction. He is our strength to do all He asks us to do. We discover, in ever-deepening levels, how totally loved, accepted and forgiven we are in Christ. We find that we have worth, and that our value is not based upon our ability to perform properly. We see that the redemption provided for us by God in Christ Jesus makes us valuable human beings. We discover that everything we have needed, that we could not attain by our own efforts, has already been provided for us in Jesus.

It is only in the Lord that we find these things, unconditionally, all the time. No matter how much another person may love, that person is still human. He or she can never love us perfectly 100% of the time. It is only as we receive our worth and love from the Lord first that we have a solid foundation upon which to build our lives.

As we learn to receive God's love, we find we do not have to earn the approval of others. We are free from the trap of performing for others as we learn we are acceptable in Christ. At this point, we become able to love others with the unconditional love of God, and to minister to their needs. Instead of using our family members to meet our needs for worth and security, we begin to minister to their needs for love, out of the comfort the Lord has given us. It becomes possible for us to relate unselfishly to our spouse and our children, and to minister love to them.

As we become less self-centered, believing at ever-deepening levels that our need for love and value are met in Christ, we find the joy of being able to be led by God to really love our families. The family will always be the hub of ministering the love of Christ. The relationships we have with our family members will always be our most important outreach. And our outreach to those family members will no longer be characterized by co-dependent, controlling motivations. We will be walking in the healthy position of a deep relationship with Christ, relying upon Him and looking to truly serve, as He did. In this position of servanthood, we are able to move on to the last phase of the Family Recovery Process.

Lesson Eight …Wholeness

Personal And Group Exercise (see page 70)

1. What does wholeness mean to the co-dependent?

2. Why have our hidden feelings made it difficult for us to love others?

3. What is the difference in loving someone and wanting to be loved by them?

4. Why is it important for us to learn that our value is not based upon our ability to perform properly?

5. What is it that makes it possible for us to relate unselfishly to our family?

6. Why is our relationship with our family our most important outreach?

Lesson Nine

Reconciliation

"For if while we were enemies, we were reconciled to God through the death of His Son, much more, having been reconciled, we shall be saved by His life." (Romans 5:10)

The Family Recovery Process could also be called The Family Reconciliation Process. Reconciliation is the result of working through the previous steps of recovery.

The word, reconcile, means to make friendly again, to settle, to make consistent, or to make content. The Bible speaks of reconciliation in this manner, "Namely, that God was in Christ reconciling the world to Himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and He has committed to us the word of reconciliation." (2 Corinthians 5:19)

In other words, Christ came not only to be an atoning sacrifice for our sins, but also as a means through which we could be reconciled to God, our Father. Through the sacrifice of Jesus and His resurrection, we may now come to God as His children, to find truth and contentment and to experience Him in an intimate sense.

In addition to being reconciled to God, we also have the opportunity to be reconciled to those around us. As we learn the truth about God and our personal relationship to Him, we can allow this to filter into and influence our personal relationships with others. This contributes to our spiritual growth.

"If therefore you are presenting your offering at the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your offering there before the altar, and go your way; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and present your offering. " (Matthew 5:23, 24)

It would help to review the steps we have taken to reach this point. As we review issues that surfaced in our lives, and begin to examine how we related to other members of our family because of those issues, we can recognize how God is working within our family system.

The Family Recovery Process has addressed three major issues: our relationship to God, our relationship to ourselves, and our relationship to others. We have identified this as three-dimensional thinking. We cannot have one healthy relationship without including the other two.

When these relationships are healthy, they bring stability and balance into our lives. This is because they are built upon Jesus Christ, who is referred to in the Bible as the Chief Cornerstone, the most important part of a foundation. True reconciliation is impossible apart from the acceptance of Jesus as Savior and Lord. Jesus becomes the conduit or connector involved in all three relationships. He keeps our relationships in balance and prevents them from crumbling.

When we allow Jesus to become the mediator in all our relationships, we begin to see His importance in our lives. We can begin to live out the scriptures, including the command to love God with all our heart, and love our neighbor as we love ourselves.

Three-Dimensional Thinking

1. GOD. If reconciliation is a result of The Family Recovery Process, then Wholeness is its goal. As we looked at our dysfunctional home we examined the deep wounds we had experienced. Though we examined ourselves and worked on forgiveness, we discovered we still could not stop experiencing personal anxieties. We continued to have feelings of unworthiness and inadequacy.

We found there were ways in which we acted and performed in the presence of others that we did not care for, but were unable to stop. This revealed that we still sought approval and acceptance and worthiness from others.

As we continue to allow the Lord to show us areas of our lives in which we try to appease those around us, our priorities begin to change. We must learn to rest in the Lord, accepting the truth that we are already acceptable in His eyes. We must surrender control over our lives to the trustworthy care of God. In doing this, we become reconciled to God, through Jesus Christ.

2. SELF. The first three steps of the Family Recovery Process (Detachment, Bombshell Theory, Daily Moral Inventory), focused primarily upon our need to let go of our emotional reactions to the addict and become conscious of our own behavior.

Most of the focus of a dysfunctional family is on the sickest individual in the home, normally the addict.

The next step was to realize we cannot change others, we can only change ourselves through the grace of God. In some cases, this was a harsh reality. However, it brought realization for the necessity to relinquish responsibility for the actions of others, and to take responsibility for our own actions and reactions.

In the third step we learned how to take a Daily Moral Inventory. Although our nature is to examine others, we began to reach out. Through prayer, and with the help of Jesus, we became sensitive to our own attitudes and emotional responses on a daily basis. We became aware of the attitudes that were interfering with or dictating how we lived our lives.

This enabled us to begin the process of allowing Jesus to work within us. Another way of putting it is that we began to allow Jesus to reconcile us to ourselves.

3. OTHERS. As we progressed through our own inventories and began to allow the Lord to work in us, we identified areas in which we could be harboring feelings, such as vengeance, anger, bitterness, hurt, etc. We discovered that many deep wounds are incurred in a dysfunctional home. These wounds can be both physical and emotional. Physical wounds heal relatively easily, but emotional wounds are often undetected, therefore neglected.

We have learned what forgiveness is not, and what forgiveness is. We have admitted to issues that the Lord has revealed to us, and we have made a conscious decision to forgive others for their actions and reactions toward us.

"For if you forgive men for their transgression, your heavenly Father will also forgive you." (Matthew 6: 14)

As we continue to forgive, it frees us from chains that have kept us from experiencing proper relationships with others. When we took those sins of unforgiveness to the cross and surrendered them to Jesus, it enabled us to become reconciled to others. This made us free to live healthy productive lives.

CONCLUSION. It is important for us to understand that The Family Recovery Process is not a one-time event but rather, a lifestyle. And it can only occur when Jesus Christ is at the center of all our relationships.

There are three components necessary to work out this process so it will become an everyday affair. The first element is self-sacrifice. This means we must make time for our relationship with God. We are to take time to reflect and examine ourselves. We must also put aside our right to Iive life according to our own selfish desires. And we must make time in our schedule to include others who are significant to us.

The second element is courage. The Serenity Prayer states, "Courage to change the things I can." It takes courage to face issues that separate us from God and from others. It takes courage to change ourselves because it involves coming out of our comfort zones. We have entered those comfort zones because they tend to protect us from our fears of failure, or of being rejected or hurt. But unless we decide to have faith that God will protect and care for us, we will not grow spiritually, and that takes courage.

The third element is commitment, the most important of the three. A sincere desire to give up all in order to have a productive, nurturing and healthy life is essential in the recovery of the dysfunctional home. This requires a commitment to reconcile ourselves to God, to ourselves and to those relationships that surround us.

These three elements are dominant in the person of Jesus Christ. He displayed self-sacrifice when He gave His life on the cross, when He forgave those who crucified Him, when He did the will of His Father, and in many other ways.

Jesus had tremendous courage, as well. He knew He would have to face the cross. He realized He was sent to die for mankind. His commitment was at the core of His love for us; therefore, it is at the core of God's love for us.

It is important that we see Jesus as the foundation for The Family Recovery Process. And we are to follow His example. He is called the Author and Perfecter of our faith. According to the scriptures, He is the means by which we are reconciled to God and to each other. This means we are to look to Jesus Christ to have hope of reconciliation in our lives.

"Therefore if any man is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come. Now all these things are from God, who reconciled us to Himself through Christ, and gave us the ministry of reconciliation." (2 Corinthians 5:17,18)

Lesson Nine . . . Reconciliation

Personal And Group Exercise (see page 71)

1. Why is it important for us to become reconciled to God?

2. Why is forgiveness a necessary component in reconciliation with others?

3. What is involved in being reconciled to ourselves?

4. What part does self-sacrifice play in reconciliation?

5. Why do we need courage in the process of reconciliation?

6. Why is commitment an important ingredient in reconciliation?

Lesson Five . . . The Bombshell Theory, And The Serenity Prayer

1. She becomes sick, herself. She drains all her physical and emotional energy. Her best efforts accomplish very little, if anything, in the behavior modification of the addict. She has done nothing more than waste time, energy, and money in the process.

2. When her focus changes, revelations begin to come. She becomes able to see what she has been doing to herself and to the addict. She can identify some of her own character flaws and some of her own problems. As these begin to surface, she can turn to God with them and allow Him to heal her in those areas of her life.

3. As the co-dependent begins to change, the addict will also begin to change. The co-dependent has been enabling the addict to maintain his lifestyle, even though that was not her intention. Now, she is no longer enabling him, so he has no alternative but to change. Suddenly, he has to be responsible for his actions, he has no one else to blame, or to clean up after him. This is a jolt to his lifestyle, but a necessary jolt if he is to climb out of his present condition.

4. Unless the co-dependent learns to rely upon God, she will eventually collapse under the pressure. She needs the serenity only God can provide, the peace which passes all understanding. She must come to the point of recognizing that the situation is not too difficult for God, even though, in her eyes, it looks hopeless. She needs to accept the things she cannot change, and to look to God for the change to take place.

5. She needs courage and strength because she will be bombarded with thoughts that she is being selfish and inconsiderate toward the addict. She has functioned for a long time, centered upon taking care of the addict. Now, she is to detach from the addict and take care of herself. This is an extremely difficult change to make. She thought she was being a good wife. She may have thought she was saving the addict's life. This is a completely different direction in life to what she has become accustomed. She needs strength and courage to stay on track.

6. She needs wisdom to discern what she can or cannot change. Without this wisdom, the healthy recovery process will falter. If she continues to try to change things she is unable to change, her family will continue to remain dysfunctional. But if she will abandon that frustrating tactic, she will begin to become whole once again, and her family will be more likely to recover with her.

Lesson Six . . . The Daily Moral Inventory

1. Our behavior is dictated by how we feel; how we feel is dictated by what we believe; what we believe therefore, motivates how we act. The best way to monitor this is to work a Daily Moral Inventory of our behavior. When we take an honest look at our behavior, we get a clear picture of our attitudes. This is sometimes painful, but it is necessary if we desire to improve our relationship with ourselves and with others.

2. Members of a family in which there is an addicted person, eventually take on some of the characteristics of the addicted person. They begin to deny, project and rationalize. This can have a damaging effect on all the members, because they find themselves refusing to accept reality. When this occurs without being checked, there can be no healing within the family.

3. Unless we take the time to slow down and be quiet, we will never be able to hear from God. We can pray without hearing, just as we can talk without listening. But that attitude doesn't build relationships. Communication consists of dialogue flowing in two directions. If we expect to have a relationship with God, we must set apart the time we need to hear Him speak to us. This is something we have to develop and strengthen, progressively.

4. When we do our D.M.I., our focus should be upon our reactions to the events in our lives. We must be able to look beyond the offense of the problems "caused" by others. We must look instead at our reactions to those offenses, and how those reactions affect ourselves and others. Our personal DMI is just that, our D.M.I. It is not to be used to record the attitudes of others.

5. The Holy Spirit is God's Emissary on earth. The Holy Spirit is the essence of God. The Holy Spirit carries the power to overcome our life-controlling problems. We can wrestle forever in our flesh, trying to get victory over our flesh, but the only tool we have within ourselves is our own will power. That means we have flesh fighting flesh. It also means that only flesh can win, because only flesh is doing battle. Unless we bring the eternal nature of the Holy Spirit into the battle, any progress we make will be temporary.

6. First, to place something in our journal we must focus specifically. That causes us to concentrate upon that item until we become clear as to how we actually think or feel about it. In addition, it becomes a record of our personal journey with God, and a reference we can use to refresh our memory. As we review our journal, God will continue to talk to us.

Lesson Seven . . . Forgiveness

1. We receive forgiveness from God only as we forgive others. That is a principle which God established. It is a spiritual law, just as gravity is a physical law. This means that forgiveness is not an option for the Christian. We should also understand that healing is connected with forgiveness. God is a loving God, but He is also a just God, and He enforces His spiritual principles. This means forgiveness is in our hands, not His. His forgiveness is automatic when we forgive others and we repent for our unforgiveness. He does not withhold His forgiveness from anyone.

2. Knowing is not the same as forgiving. We can understand why a person acted the way he did, but we can still maintain an unforgiving heart toward him. This also means we do not have to understand in order to forgive. We can understand and still feel miserable about the way in which we have been treated. Forgiveness and understanding are not necessarily related.

3. Unless we get in touch with the specific wrongs done to us, we cannot forgive effectively. Forgiveness is not a general exercise, it is facing the specific hurts and pains and handling them the way God tells us to handle them. We may have been hiding from the truth of those painful events, and we may not feel inclined to bring them out into the open, but unless we do, there can be no healing.

4. The human part is what is called, "the crisis of the will." It is the battle between the will and the emotions. Emotionally, we may not feel like forgiving, but forgiveness is a decision, not an emotion. We must enter into this "crisis" condition, and make a willful decision to forgive the persons who have wounded us.

5. God will execute the Divine part after we have executed our part. We have had to ignore our feelings and obey God's command to forgive. Once we have done this, God will begin to heal our emotions. We call this inner healing. As God begins to work this out in us, we become increasingly free from the burden of the painful memories. We can still remember the incidents and the people involved, but the pains subside and eventually disappear.

6. As long as we allow our emotions to control us, we will never be able to forgive. The Lord is not concerned about our emotions, He is concerned with our obedience to His directives. Once we make the proper decisions, our emotions will fall into line. When we forgive, it is as if we opened a new spiritual door, which will lead us to a deeper, growing relationship with the Lord.

Lesson Eight . . . Wholeness

1. To the co-dependent, wholeness means becoming a complete human being. Prior to this, she has been fragmented, incomplete, a product of her relationship with the addict. But now she is free to discover who she is in Christ, and that she is loved and accepted by God through her relationship with Christ.

2. Our hidden, negative feelings eat away at us and destroy our ability to relate properly to others. When we have difficulty relating, we certainly have difficulty loving. Usually, we slip into a performance mode, depending upon our performance to make us acceptable to society. When these hidden feelings accumulate within us, it becomes difficult for us to function, especially in the area of being able to love.

3. The co-dependent, for the most part, is love-starved. Consequently, when the co-dependent tells someone she loves him, what she is really saying is that she needs to be loved by him. The co-dependent will use whatever means necessary to be accepted by the addict, or by other members of the family. The addict finds this to be a useful tool. The other members of the family lose respect for the co-dependent who compromises her value system to win favor with someone significant in her life.

4. Unless we learn this lesson, our lives will be one performance after another, and we will lose touch with reality. Our value is based upon our relationship with Christ, not upon our relationship with the addict or anyone else. When we discover we have been forgiven by our Lord, and that He has purpose and direction for our lives, we realize we have worth. This worth has nothing to do with our performance, it flows from the grace of God. This is probably the single most important truth for us to learn.

5. Once we learn we don't need the approval of others, we begin to accept the love of God into our hearts. This, in turn, enables us to love others unselfishly. We no longer look at others with the need to receive something from them, we can now begin to minister to their needs for love. As God has comforted us and filled us with His unconditional love, we are in a position of being able to let God's love flow through us to others.

6. Our family is the most important relationship we have. The seeds we plant in our children will produce fruit as they mature. If we plant good seeds, they will produce good fruit. Unfortunately, that principle works just as strongly in the other direction. We have only a few years to establish fertile ground in our children, so it becomes a very important outreach for us. It is the same with the rest of our family. We are all role models. People tend to mirror those they admire or respect. This places a heavy responsibility upon us, but if we can point our family toward Jesus, He will take the responsibility off our hands, and we will be able to broaden our outreach.

Lesson Nine . . . Reconciliation

1. Unless we become reconciled to God, there is no possibility for us to become reconciled to others, or to ourselves. Reconciliation begins with God because only God can enable us to forgive and to love with no strings attached. When we can finally center our focus upon God, reconciliation will be a natural by-product.

2. After we have accepted the forgiveness of God, we suddenly find ourselves able to forgive others. This is because we have received the Spirit of Jesus within us, and His nature is to forgive. When we forgive others, we release them and ourselves from the bondage we have been living with through our unforgiveness. When the bondage is gone, reconciliation can take place.

3. When we discover who we are in Christ, we are no longer afraid to be honest with ourselves about our reactions to life and the damages they have caused. Until we become honest, there is no possibility of healing because we refuse to face the truth. Our DMI helps us become honest, and opens the door for Jesus to come in and work out the self-hatred within us. The result is that we become reconciled to ourselves.

4. Self-sacrifice means we are willing to put aside our personal needs and deliberately spend quality time with Jesus. We take the time to examine ourselves with a Daily Moral Inventory, and submit to Jesus those areas of our lives, which are not acceptable in His sight. It also means to take time with those who are significant to us, and to respond to their needs.

5. Like anybody else, we dislike change. This is especially true when the change means we must alter our behavior. We have established certain habit patterns to which we have grown accustomed, and we are reluctant to abandon those habits in favor of a new behavior we are unfamiliar with. The biggest change, the one which takes the most courage, is to trust God. When we trust God, we take our hands off the controls, and this makes us nervous. But until we learn to trust God, we will never build a relationship with Him.

6. Without commitment, we will never be able to accomplish reconciliation. We will revert to our old behavior patterns as soon as we are confronted with a family crisis. Commitment must be made prior to the crisis. We cannot wait until the crisis and expect to have the strength to commit at that time. But if we make the commitment prior to the crisis, we can refer to the commitment and gain enough strength to make it through the crisis. Of course, the commitment must be to submit everything to Jesus Christ before we try to handle it ourselves.

FAMILY RECOVERY

A Workbook

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Lesson One

Introduction

III. Alienation From God

IV. Isolation From True Self

V. Alienation From Significant Others

Lesson One . . . Introduction

How Addiction Affects The Family

Lesson Two . . .How Addiction Affects The Family

The Bottle Family

"Wino Willie"

Wilhelmina

The Siblings

Daryl

Bubba

Sissy

Jerry

Lesson Three . . . The Bottle Family

Detachment

Lesson Four . . . Detachment

The Bombshell Theory

The Serenity Prayer

Lesson Five . . . The Bombshell Theory, And The Serenity Prayer

The Daily Moral Inventory

Quiet Time

HOW TO TAKE A DAILY MORAL INVENTORY

PRAYER - THE INNER JOURNEY

JOURNALING

Lesson Six . . . The Daily Moral Inventory

D.M.I. COMMENTARY

Forgiveness

Wholeness

Reconciliation

Three-Dimensional Thinking

Lesson Nine . . . Reconciliation

Lesson One . . . Introduction

Lesson Two . . . How Addiction Affects The Family

Lesson Three . . . The Bottle Family

Lesson Four . . . Detachment

Lesson Five . . . The Bombshell Theory, And The Serenity Prayer

Lesson Six . . . The Daily Moral Inventory

Lesson Seven . . . Forgiveness

Lesson Eight . . . Wholeness

Lesson Nine . . . Reconciliation